Regular readers would know that we like to go the extra mile for you folks. We have watched some truly horrible porn right to the end and used some very dubious toys so you don't have to. I've even covered my junk in red hot ice cubes for your benefit. It isn't often that we find a product so bad that we just can't finish our testing. Last night, unfortunately, was one of those rare occasions.
Last night we decided to test out a new lube. It had the right credentials - it was by Ansell who's "Ansell Lifestyles Natural" we loved. We were expecting good things. Unfortunately, Ansell Liquid Personal Lubricant just didn't perform. It started off quite well. The packaging is attractive. The dispenser pump is well designed. Rubbing a bit on my fingers, it felt like a really thick silky lube and we thought we might be onto a winner. The problem started when we applied it to Mrs Dave.
I honestly don't know what happened next or why. Maybe it was some strange reaction to Mrs Dave's body chemistry. I just don't know. All I know is that I was rubbing it into Mrs Dave's bits when things started to feel a bit... gritty down there. Like she had been at the beach and had her bits full of sand. I looked at my hand and sure enough, it was covered in little pieces of slightly squidgy grit (think tiny little pieces of al dente pasta). So was Mrs Dave's groin. We couldn't work out where it had come from. We gave her a quick wash and removed all the grit, thinking that it was hardly fair to test a lube on a mysteriously gritty groin then tried again. Within seconds, the grit was back. That's when it dawned on us - it was the lube. For some mysterious reason, this lube clumps up into little gritty balls as soon as it touches Mrs Dave. Understandably this is a less than comfortable experience for her.
It was even less comfortable a few seconds later when she asked "Is this a warming lube? Because my groin is getting very warm. In fact, it feels like it's on fire". We checked the packaging and no mention was made of any warming. Mrs Dave's groin was feeling hotter and hotter. She was obviously having a bad reaction to the lube so up we get again for another wash. I may add at this point that it's past midnight, in the middle of winter, on one of the coldest nights so far this year and there we are standing naked in the bathroom applying lots of cold water to Mrs Dave's groin to try to remove the lube before it melted her crotch or something. Let's just say it was some time before we were both warm again.
In the interests of fairness I did try this on my own as a wanking lube and it's not bad. It starts pretty thick then kind of thins out over time. Nice and slippery. Lasts pretty well. Not bad at all. I just need to wash every trace of it off me before I go anywhere near Mrs Dave.
I can't outright dismiss this lube because of Mrs Dave's bad reaction to it. It works perfectly well on me and would probably work perfectly well on other people as well. I would suggest though, that if you have sensitive skin, you may want to give this one a miss and try something else instead.
