As Fantasy Chamber turned out to be much older than we had initially realised, we thought we had better review something comparatively new for this week's review. Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant fitted the bill nicely. We thought this would be a parody of the Indiana Jones series (as this was released after Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released in early 2008). The opening titles are so close to the Indiana Jones series that I wondered how they'd gotten away without lawyers becoming involved. It's not really a parody, more a porn sequel apparently set 20 years after the events in Raiders of the Lost Ark, which was set in 1936 (don't ask how I know this without looking it up) which would make this one 1956.
Carolina Jones (Ava Rose), daughter of famous archaeologist, "Indy Jones" (Who uses a boomerang as her signature weapon. I guess Indy was using the family whip at the time.) is searching for something, somewhere, that involves sneaking into a monastery. Trawling through the tunnels with an old and damaged map, she happens upon a torture chamber where Niki Blond and Steve Holmes are hard at one another in some fairly vigorous sex, while poor Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up, awaiting torture or death or both. Exactly why Dixie is tied up in a monastery is never adequately explained. Carolina bursts into the room, and with a very cheesy special effect, kills Steve Holmes with a power drill to the back of the head, then Dixie finishes off Niki Blond with a well-thrown knife-pointed dildo (because we all have one of those handy) to the throat and out the back of her skull. Carolina grabs the artifact she was searching for "this belongs in a museum" says she... well actually, where it belongs is with its owner, who is now lying on the floor with a drill sticking out of his head. I'm not sure Carolina quite gets her father's modus operandi. He recovers artifacts from ancient abandoned temples (key word abandoned) and gives them to a museum. Carolina seems to break in and pry the artifact from the still-warm fingers of its owner's corpse. Still the monastery did have a torture chamber, which must make them evil monks, so that's obviously OK.
Back at her hotel, Carolina gets a telegram from her father about a covenant being broken and to "find JB". Dixie joins up with Carolina (because the first law of Disney is that all heroes need a comedy sidekick) to go searching for JB (James Brossman). Dixie, a cute Southern Belle (with a really annoying put-on accent), has a plan to find transport - hitchhiking (nice plan Dixie). Finding themselves in the back of a truck with five or six horny guys, Carolina's trusty pistol makes an appearance and the guys are left by the side of the road, watching the girls disappear over the horizon in their truck.
Turns out JB is fairly wealthy and has a well-guarded compound that the girls must break into. Meanwhile, JB is busy choosing which of his naked harem he will have with his morning tea. Having made his choice, the butler leaves the tea things and the girl (Roxy Panther) and takes the other two out with him (Jeny Baby and Simony Diamond, both gorgeous girls). Foreplay ensues and then several different positions are used before the scene ends. We weren't actually sure at first whether Roxy was Ava Rose or not, as they both appear to have a lip piercing in the same spot, but eventually we realised that this was a different girl. I'm afraid porn starlets all start to look alike after a while.
Back to Carolina and Dixie who are still trying to get past the guards (who are wearing German World War 2 uniforms for some reason). Dixie has a plan - she offers the guards blow-jobs (nice plan Dixie). Some very vigorous sex results and Dixie (Bree) gets very vocal in the process. Very vocal. She's a screamer. An annoyingly loud screamer. I have no problem with the odd scream of passion, but the constant yelling (in fake southern accent) got old very quick. In the end, we muted the TV for her scenes and only turned the volume back on when the sex was finished. Given that there were two guards, and we only see Dixie fuck one of them, I'm not sure how Carolina is supposed to get through to JB's room. That, like many other things in this film, is left unexplained.
Cut back to JB and Roxy, where she is in the process of tying and blindfolding him. After a blow-job and regulation facial, Roxy leaves and Carolina sneaks in. After some very feeble torture (hot tea to the head), JB reveals all. He couldn't have cracked faster if he'd been made of glass. He has sold the Ark so some dude in Israel. She then pours honey all over him and covers him with bad CG ants from an ant farm near the bed (because we all have an ant farm near the bed, don't we?). After leaving JB's compound, Carolina tells Dixie a little about herself, including that JB had been her first and only lover. Dixie responds that it is no wonder she is so uptight and that she needs to find a good root.
Off to Israel now, to a hotel where they are shown to their rooms by a bell-boy (David Perry) who doesn't hesitate to show his interest in Carolina. After struggling to sleep, she decides to take Dixie's advice (excellent plan Dixie) and take him up on his offer A good scene ensues between the two of them, with some very energetic and athletic sex, although the choking on dick while deep-throating was more than a little off-putting. I almost started looking for the cat to see where it was hocking up fur balls! However, all this aside, we are left with the impression that Carolina has been well satisfied. And she's a squirter!
The next morning, Dixie is complaining of a lumpy mattress and no sleep, while Carolina is looking fresh and well-rested (very excellent plan Dixie). The girls to the secret compound to find the Ark, but are waylaid by Dixie's jilted fiance (Zenza Raggi, aka Karim). Exactly why he is there is never adequately explained. He seems to have no function at all in this film except to appear in the next sex scene. Turns out Dixie jilted him because he wouldn't let her experience lesbian sex with an attractive woman (such as Carolina) before they married. They argue and attract the guards, who are also wearing German World War 2 uniforms... in Israel... only 15 years after the end of the war. I suspect the girls didn't need to look very hard to find the secret compound. All they had to do was follow the angry mob.
They get taken to to Evil Dude who plans on destroying the world with the Ark (as one does). He decides to try the Ark out on them first, so blindfolds his guards and himself so that they don't get the whole face-melting-Nazi thing happening. Just as all seems lost, the world's least convincing Harrison Ford impersonator (Tibor Butch, who speaks with a decided European accent, and sounds and looks nothing like Harrison Ford) makes his appearance and with a (bad CGI) flourish of his whip prevents the Ark from being opened. He kills the guards, and saves his daughter and friends from destruction. In leaving the courtyard, the Ark gets knocked over and opens, killing Evil Dude in an appropriately face-melting kind of way. Indy decides to finish something he should have done 20 years earlier and chucks a lit stick of dynamite into the compound where, despite its 15cm long fuse, it immediately explodes. Surely chucking a stick of dynamite at the Ark of the Covenant would raise a few... I dunno... divine wrath issues, but never mind.
Indy wants Carolina to go home with him, but she decides that, since he had saved the world, she can save a marriage, so she proceeds to offer herself to both Dixie and the fiance to bring them back together. Some really vigorous sex follows, including the first anal for the film, with screaming Dixie (and us muting it again). I have to say, her orgasms appear to be real, if loud and annoying. While Carolina gets to ride the fiance, this is definitely Dixie's scene, and despite her lesbian fantasy, there is barely any girl-girl action. It's all two girls, one cock. The scene ends with the girls swapping the cum from his facial. Oh, and before we muted it, we noticed that Dixie's annoying accent slips when she's distracted by orgasms.
Unfortunately this was the end of the movie, so there was no wrap-up and we were left a little surprised at the abrupt ending. As this is a parody, the dialogue is fairly cheesy, and some of the special effects, while they got points for trying, were tragic. Apparently it was shot entirely on location in Budapest, Hungary, and I'm guessing that quite a number of the extras are locals. That would certainly explain why the Indy Jones character has such a thick accent. There is a second disk with lots of extras including lots of ads, and bonus scenes featuring lots of people, but I don't buy porn for the bonuses. I think the main problem with this film is that the sex scenes were too long. If you are going to tell a story (and they were trying) having four or five 20 minute long scenes in an hour and a half movie doesn't leave a lot of room for plot development. A lot of the classic porn has a good story because the scenes are 5-10 minutes and can be woven into the story, rather than the story being woven into the scenes. Nevertheless, this is a fun film if you are into the Indiana Jones series (as we are) or particularly like Bree Olsen and Ava Rose. Otherwise it probably isn't worth the money.
