Some of you long-time readers may know that I am something of a Star Wars fan. By fan I mean "complete obsessive" of course. So when Private Gold 81 - Porn Wars came into our possession, it just had to go straight to the top of the pile. Yes, that's right. The good folk at Private have brought us Star Wars porn. Well not quite Star Wars of course. Lucas Film have a far bigger legal budget than Private, so they did have to make a few changes to avoid getting the force sued out of them. In Porn Wars we follow the adventures of a bunch of Jodi Knights (I'm not entirely sure that they made quite enough changes to avoid having the force sued out of them... one letter probably isn't going to keep the lawyers happy) who are protecting the galaxy from some evil guys who remain nameless, probably for copyright reasons.
The action begins (after the obligatory scrolling text explaining the story - another black mark from the lawyers there) in a Jodi training school. I have to say here that they put an amazing amount of effort into the special effects on this film. They did the lightsabre effects pretty well. Except in the opening training school scenes where I think the sound effects all just got too much for them and they left the lightsabres going "clack" rather than "voom". After training, one young Jodi uses his force powers to rip the robe off another, very well-endowed young Jodi (come on... if you had amazing force powers, tell me you wouldn't use them to have sex). Cue the first sex scene. Cue also our discovery of the big downside to this film. As she stands there naked, she opens her mouth and out comes "Loooook vot you deeed". The first, and last, intelligible line of dialogue in the whole film.
As with all Private films, the actors are drawn from Eastern Europe and their grasp of English is, at best, basic. In this case, I suspect their grasp of English was entirely non-existent and they were reciting lines phonetically with no understanding of what they meant at all. With very strong Eastern European accents. This is what you get when you go for women who will sell their bodies for two pairs of jeans and some hard currency.
Anyway, leaving aside the fact that the dialogue was 99% unintelligible, this was a pretty good film. The plot was classic Star Wars and could be followed even if you could only understand one word in 10 (which I suspect is more than most of the cast understood). The special effects were great. The spaceship models looked like they belonged in a Star Wars film. There were ships that looked almost but not quite exactly unlike star destroyers. Even the evil dude's scout droids looked almost but not quite exactly unlike Darth Maul's scout droids in Episode 1. The music was sufficiently different to sound almost but not quite exactly unlike the Star Wars music (actually this jarred quite a bit). The costumes were right. The locations were right. Even the sword fighting looked like it was choreographed by someone with a halfway decent knowledge of how sword fighting is actually done.
I won't spoil the plot but needless to say the Jodi save the universe from the evil dudes in their copyright infringing black leather. Much vigorous fucking is done. Being a Private production, much vigorous, anal fucking is done. So much anal fucking that I suspect "bend over and take it like a Jodi" may become something of a catchphrase in the Dave & Mrs Dave bedroom. Much use is made of the lightsabre handles that are conveniently made out of acrylic dildos. Actually, I'm not so sure about that one. I would be slightly nervous about using a lightsabre handle to fuck someone. Even if it was shaped like a penis. Imagine if you hit the wrong button. Imagine the mess!
Even if you aren't a Star Wars tragic, this one is worth a look. The effects, costuming, everything are great. The women, like all Private videos, are that drop dead, Eastern European kind of gorgeous. Even if you can't understand a word they say. They were billed as Sandra Parker, Liz Honey, Nikki Rider and Victoria Swinger, but let's be serious here. There is no way those are their real names. If they are, then bend me over and call me Vladimir.
I liked this film. If I were a Jedi, I would absolutely use my awesome Jedi powers to get sex. Grab a copy of this one and may the Force be with you.
You can buy Porn Wars here through Uncut DVDs in Australia.
