Parody porn has been the big thing over the last few years and no parody was bigger than This Ain't Star Trek XXX from Hustler. The hype was huge. Evan Stone had his hair cut for his role as James T Kirk (and his mono-brow waxed). It had a cast of big names (Cheyne Collins, Tony DeSergio, Nick Manning, Jada Fire, Ero Sennin, Jenna Haze, Sasha Grey and more). I'm a huge Star Trek tragic. This had everything going for it. So why am I so disappointed?
I'm not the only one either. 2009 was the year of parody porn. Every second title seemed to be another "This Ain't..." production. Star Trek is just crying out for parodies (I reviewed an earlier effort here - Sex Trek). This had a cast of big names, a huge marketing budget, perfect source material and a massive production budget. And yet it only managed one lousy nomination (best supporting actor for heavens sake.. not even one of the important ones) in the 2009 AVN awards. Why did it do so badly when it had so much going for it?
For a start, "parody" usually means comedy. They play it for laughs. This one was played pretty much straight. It was more an homage than a parody and with source material as well loved as Star Trek, you'd better be spot on with your writing if you want to do an homage. They weren't. The writing was lazy. It was the Space Seed episode from the original Star Trek with added sex. And most of the good bits of the plot removed to make way for the sex.
In the absence of good writing, the sex better be awesome. It wasn't. It was long. This was a 3+ hour movie with 6 scenes. That's 1/2 hour per scene. I know Viagra has allowed stars to stay hard pretty much forever, which is good for the director because it allows him to get all the shots he needs before they wear out, but while the star may be able to pound away mechanically for hours, it doesn't mean they need to show all of it.
Cooking shows do not show the roast slowly browning for an hour and a half. "Here's one I prepared earlier" they say. Editing. If you look at movies that did really well and won lots of awards, they make use of editing. The battle for Helm's Deep in Lord of the Rings lasted for 3 days but Peter Jackson wisely didn't make us sit through three days of footage. Editing. Editing is your friend. Just because you have 20 minutes of Evan Stone pounding into some chick's pussy, you don't have to show us every second of it.
While it feels fantastic to pound rhythmically into a pussy for 20 minutes (trust me on this) it just isn't that interesting to watch. These scenes were just plain dull. Sure there was some heat but honestly, how much visually interesting heat can you maintain for 20+ minutes? They seemed to go on and on forever. I've seen other reviews praising the length of the scenes "it was great, he banged her for ages" read one. Really? Do people really like watching a dick mechanically pound into a pussy for what seems like hours? I just don't get it.
Still, this did teach me some things I didn't know about Star Trek. For a start, Star Fleet girls like it in the arse. And the tights they wore under their little mini dress uniforms? Crotchless. They also shave. Completely. Bet you'll never look at Uhura the same way again, will you?
Even if you are a massive Star Trek fan (actually, especially if you are a massive Star Trek fan), give this one a miss.
If you must buy it, you can buy This Ain't Star Trek XXX here through Uncut DVDs in Australia, or buy This Ain't Star Trek XXX here through Good Vibrations in the USA.
