Last night was a random disk from the To Be Watched pile. This time the porn gods gave us Panty Raid. A 1984 production starring Ginger Lynn, Crystal Breeze, Raven, Roxanne Rollan, Sondra Stillman, Ashley Britton, two amazingly hairy guys with 80s mullets (Jay Serling, Jerry Butler) and a less-hirsute Starbuck. I'm not sure what heinous sin we committed to deserve it.
Panty Raid, which actually has nothing to do with panty raids (a'la 80s Frat house comedies like Animal House or Revenge of the Nerds), proudly informs us that its a VXC production. Obviously VCX means "cheap DVD rip of a badly degraded VHS tape". Our first indication of the truly superlative quality came when we pressed the "play movie" button on the menu which took us, via 5 minutes of FBI warnings and VCX promotions, right back to the main menu. We should have taken the hint at that point and given up. Instead we soldiered on and found that we could play the movie from the chapters menu.
Panty Raid is set, and filmed on Kauai in Hawaii. I'm not sure why they went to the trouble. Most of it was set in cheap motel rooms or on boats with generic aquatic backdrops. Other than a few moped rides through pineapple plantations and the like, they might as well have shot it in San Pornando valley.
The premise (story is too strong a word for this one) is that two brothers are visiting Kauai on holiday. That's about it. They arrive. Women magically appear. People fuck. Hairy backs are displayed. I mean seriously, Ron Jeremy hairy here... it was like watching Chewbacca having sex. Scary short shorts (I believe they are called nutters in the USA.. here we call them Cappers after a football player notorious for his very short shorts) are worn. Mullets abound. Pussies are hairy. One of the brothers apparently found true love at one point but we really didn't care.
This was lousy. Why they spent the money on airfares is beyond me. The rest of the production was so bad. The audio was terrible, the photography was all over the place. The lighting was bad. The colour was bad. The boom mike kept drifting into shot. The dialogue was awful (I mean awful even for a cheap 80s porno). Even the sex was pretty ordinary (although Ginger Lynn is attractive, even with an 80s Olivia Newton-John Xanadu haircut).
Why anyone thought this was worth copying to DVD is beyond me. Why they did such a terrible job of the conversion is even more beyond me.
