Another clasic for you folks this week. Yes, there have been a lot of classics recently. I'm going to let you in on a little secret here - we tend to watch a lot of classics because they have one big advantage over more modern films - they are shorter. We have a couple of kids. When you have kids, time just seems to evaporate. They go to bed late. Then the house needs to be cleaned up after them which takes until really late then they have to dragged out of bed early in the morning and made ready for school. The opportunities for watching three hour long porn features are therefore fairly limited. Classics tend to top out at an hour twenty and are much more doable without being a zombie the next day.
This time it's the 1978 feature - The Erotic Adventures of Candy, directed, unusually for the 70s, by a woman - Gail Palmer. This film, so Ms Palmer tells us in a piece to camera at the start, is apparently based on Candide, the 1759 philosophical satire by Voltaire. That's a pretty highbrow pedigree for a porn and Voltaire's story of a young man's descent from Utopia into a state of philosophical disillusionment is an unlikely premise. On closer inspection though, the film is in fact a screen adaptation of the 1950s erotic novel - Candy, which is, in turn, claimed to be based on Candide. There are two schools of thought on that - one, held mainly by the author, is that it is indeed an erotic retelling of Voltaire's work. The other point of view, mostly held by everyone else, is that Candy has nothing at all to do with Candide and the author is talking out his arse. Still, Candy has been voted one of the 50 sexiest books ever written, which is pedigree enough for a porn.
Candy, so the theme song tells us, makes us feel so dandy, and is played by the enormous breasted Carol Connors. These days breasts the size of Carol's are not unusual but in an age before silicone they are quite remarkable. Candy lives with her puritanical father (played by Eddy Cannon) who keeps her well away from any male company. She rather fancies male company, in particular the handsome Mexican gardener whom she fantasizes about while masturbating. When puritanical father goes out one day, she takes the opportunity to turn fantasy into reality and lures Manuel (played by Don Fernando) into her bedroom. Sadly for Candy though, actual sex with a hairy, sweaty Mexican gardener who speaks no English and is trying to get it done quickly before puritanical dad comes home, does not live up to her romantic fantasies. Even less so when puritanical dad does come home and attacks Manuel with a chair. Manuel, executes a nifty sidesteps and puritanical dad trips and ends up on hospital with a fractured skull and amnesia.
Later in the hospital, Candy is joined at her father's bedside by her father's identical twin brother Uncle Dick and his wife, her horny Aunt Kraven (played by Georgina Spelvin from The Devil in Miss Jones). During an attempt to have sex with her father's twin brother in the bed next to her unconcious father (ewwww... creepy), they are interupted by a nurse and in the ensuing confusion, Uncle Dick ends up in the hospital bed and amnesiac father wanders off and disappears.
Candy, devastated by the loss of her father (not dead... just lost... they looked everywhere and couldn't find him) then travels the country to find herself. After further erotic adventures with a masturbation doctor (Dr Hy Kolonic... arf arf), a groping gynecologist (Dr Filmore Entry... arf arf), the enormously schlonged John Holmes and a few others, she ends up in a sex ashram run by Graham Hollander (Paul Thomas, from Sex Wars, Little Girls Blue, Autobiography of a Flea, ) who wants to "raise her to the next level of consciousness" which naturally involves having sex with her. During her consciousness raising, a be-robed acolyte walks in and she naturally begins giving him a blow-job only to discover at the crucial moment that the be-robed acolyte is none other than missing, puritanical dad (ewwww... mega creepy).
I have to be honest here, this wasn't the best porn in the world. It's certainly not one of the top 50 sexiest things ever filmed so I suspect I'll have to get a copy of Candy and see what the original book is like. It's not horrible though. It's a reasonable classic porn. And for lovers of well-endowed ladies, Carol Connor's breasts are worth the price of admission alone.
