Regular readers will know that I'm something of a geek. Actually, regular readers will know that I make Bill Gates look like a well-adjusted guy with an active social life. I do have a confession to make that may well cost me some geek credibility - I never watched the X Files. I know a bunch of you are looking at that with shock and asking "How can a guy like that have not watched one of the top 5 geek shows of all time?" There is an explanation. You see, at the time the X Files started, I worked with a guy who literally wore a tinfoil hat and would expouse at length on alien abductions, secret Tibetan tunnels under the Earth and how the British royal family are actually reptilian aliens from Beta Reticuli. At the time I needed more conspiricy theories like I needed a hole in the head (or according to my colleague - another hole in the head to match the one I got when my mind control implant was inserted by government agents directed by the Illuminati).
Last night though I did redress the balance somewhat - I watched X Files porn. Yes, another porn "parody". I do have to say at this point that the whole porn parody thing is getting a little tired and I really wish they would do something different. Mind you though, Hollywood seems completely bereft of ideas as well. All they seem to be able to make are movies about old, obscure comic books and remakes of other movies. I heard the other day that Footloose is being remade. We don't need another Footloose. It was with that attitude that I bunged The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody into the player and settled down with Mrs Dave to watch.
First up, I have to say that Kimberly Kane (last seen by us in Batman XXX: A Porn Parody and The Visitors) who plays Scully looks a lot like Gillian Anderson and Anthony Rosano who plays Mulder is not totally dissimilar to David Duchovney (though in Mrs Dave's opinion, not quite as good looking). Good job on the casting. Story wise, also pretty good - Scully and Mulder are chasing down a bunch of ritual murders by a Satanic cult. Typical X Files. I also have to say here - Kimberly and Anthony can act! Really, actually act! So far so good.
After their briefing by Walter Skinner (Rod Fontana) Scully and Mulder set off. Skinner though spends the next 30 minutes boning his secretary Arlene (Aurora Snow). Now, having never watched the show, I don't know whether there was some sexual tension there that this was referencing but for me, this scene added absolutely nothing to the film. Other than an excuse for them to show an older guy boning a young lady there was no reason at all for this scene. It wasn't even a particularly good scene. But he had the weirdest boner we've ever seen in porn. Not particularly long, but really thick. Like Thud thick...
Anyway, after some investigation, Scully and Mulder are in their hotel when Mulder accidently walks in on a naked Scully. After apologising profusely he retreats to his room and jerks off to lesbian porn on the hotel TV. The second scene in the film is of course the lesbian porn Mulder is watching (featuring Taylor Vixen and Tory Lane). Again, other than an excuse for ticking the "we have a lesbian scene" box, there was no reason at all for this scene. Again, not even a good scene. This was generic, average, fake lesbian stuff. Two scenes in and so far the acting has been better than the sex. Not a good sign.
More investigation and we find that we are on the trail of a sex demon (Lillith - Ashlynn Brooke) who has been summoned by a demon worshiping cult. Our third scene shows two random club goers (Evan Stone, who I hate to say, looks a little old to be a nightclub raver, and Audry Bitoni) are fucking in the parking lot outside when a strange woman joins in. Naturally the strange woman is Lillith and their mutilated bodies are found the next day. This was the first scene that actually made sense plot wise. The sex was better too. Not great but better. Oh, and no trademark pile drivers from Mr Stone, yay!
Some more investigation and a satanic orgy later (featuring Angelica Raven, Charley Chase, Gracie Glam, Jackie Daniels, Pike Nelson and the dribbliest, sloppiest blow job we've ever seen), the case is cracked, the demon summoner dies horribly, the demon is banished and Mulder and Scully are back in the office. Mulder is depressed though. After some actual acting, he confesses his love for Scully and they end up fucking in her bed. This was a hot scene. They actually looked like they had four or five seasons of sexual tension to get out of their systems. This scene almost made up for the first two.
If only they could have dropped the first two scenes and worked in two more that a) advanced the plot and b) were actually hot. This would have been a much better film. This was a good film, apart from the sex (which is really not what you want to hear about a porn). The story was good, the acting was great, sets, costumes, everything- great. Girls - great ( again.. a lot of natural boobs... this trend seems to be continuing, hooray). The guys - according to Mrs Dave - great. Apart fron the last scene though, the sex was prety ordinary. Not bad, just ordinary.
All up, this was pretty good. Certainly a must for lovers of the X Files. Well worth a watch, but could have been even better.
You can buy The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody here through Uncut DVDs in Australia.
You can buy The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody here through Good Vibrations in the USA.
