Regular readers will know by now that I am a geek. For geeks of a certain vintage, one movie stands above all others as a symbol of our geekiness. That movie is Tron. Not the new Tron, the old, 80s Tron, where all the "computer effects" were hand drawn on film because computer animation was too expensive to use (actually there are about 30 seconds of real computer animation in the original Tron, the solar sailor is real CG, the rest is good old-fashioned matte painting, rotoscoping and film compositing). Knowing my love for the old Tron, and views on porn parodies, it was with some trepidation that Mrs Dave put PRON: the XXX Parody into the player.
I have to give them full marks for the title. That's clever. Obvious but still clever. Lee Roy Meyers, of Human Sexipede fame was one of the directors, so we had high hopes there. The film starts well too, Fling (Anthony Rosano, last seen by us in Bonny & Clide and Sex Files) who runs Fling's XXX Arcade, is trying to hack into a computer system to dig up evidence that his ex-boss stole his amazing sex toy designs (for those too young to know this, in the original Flynn, who runs Flynn's Video Arcade, is trying to hack into a computer system to dig up evidence that his ex-boss stole his amazing video game designs). Fling's interrogation program (also played by Anthony Rosano) is "interrogating" another program (April O'Neil). Vigorously. In full glowing Tron costume. Cool. Sadly, that was as cool as the film got.
After his "interrogation" attempt, Fling's ex-colleagues (Lexi Belle, Batman XXX, and Rocco Reed, in full 80s regalia, although Lexi's sexy scientist look was somewhat spoilt by the fact that her spectacle frames had no lenses in them) drop by to warn him that his boss is onto him. Fling then leaves for some air and his colleagues start fucking. Not sure why, they just do. Anyway, after a long, loooong scene, Fling finally returns and gets sucked into his computer by the evil MCP (Masturbation Control Program, apparently voiced by Lee Roy Meyers). We then cut to Diamond Foxxx giving Tommy Pistol a 25 minute blow-job. In Tron costume, but there was absolutely no reason for this scene to exist. Not only did it have nothing to do with the plot but it was boring as anything. Post blow-job, Fling appears in the room and Tommy tells him to go look in a bar for information.
In the bar he meets Andy San Dimas who kits him out in funky new modern Tron style clothing and sends him on his way to see "The Warrior". Then she grabs a random guy (Brian Street Team) from the bar and fucks him. Again, no idea why. Nothing to do with the story. I guess they felt that after a whole 30 seconds of no sex, we needed another 30 minute scene. We then get a 5 second shot of the worst rendition of a light cycle I have ever seen. Fling then meets "The Warrior" (Zoe Voss) and promptly fucks her for 30 minutes. This was actually a good scene. Zoe is super cute and there was a lot of energy. After that scene there was a 30 second showdown with the MCP and the end.
So Tron with no light cycles, no Light Tanks, no recognisers. No game grid. They could have done so much with a porn game grid. But they didn't. They could have done so much with the whole film. But they didn't. Instead, as usual, they filled the film with overly long sex scenes. I know it's a porno but seriously, what action film has 30 minute fight scenes? Other than the Blues Brothers, have you ever seen a car chase longer than about 10 minutes? No. Didn't think so. You want to know why? Because watching the same thing for ages GETS BORING. Doesn't matter whether it's fighting or sex. Even James Bond stops to reload occasionally and advance the plot a little. They would have been much better off with more, shorter scenes that actually did something for the story. The two scenes with Anthony Rosano were good (and even advanced the story) but the rest were pretty hopeless. Long, uninspired and boring.
On the plus side, the trend towards natural boobs is continuing (apart from Diamond Foxxx). The girls even sported some actual pubes. Zoe Voss is super cute. Natural boobs, brunette and proud of it (Mrs Dave, as a brunette, is always saddened by the porn industry's insistence on blonde and nothing but blonde; bleached with dark roots is not a good look) and not covered in stupid tattoos. Lovely to watch.
So there we are. Even if I wasn't such a fan of the original I'd be giving this one a big miss.
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