MILF porn is something I am interested in. Mrs Dave and I are both on the wrong side of 35 and rapidly heading for the big 4 zero. Mrs Dave is a mum (or mom for our American readers) and I certainly like fucking her so some good MILF porn may be a good thing for us. I wouldn't know however, as this one certainly could not be described as good MILF porn. Even MILF is stretching things a bit. Allow me to explain. Let's look at the title in detail -
Over 40. Yep. Correct. Spot on. All the women in this movie were certainly over 40. Well over 40. Possibly decades older than 40. 1 from 1 so far.
40 something. This bit I have some issues with. 40 something implies between 40 and 49 (although I did have a mad auntie who was 40 - and some months until well into her 80s). If some of these women were only in their 40s I have to say that they must have been 40 very hard and unkind years. The FBI warning about all performers being over the age of 18 at the time of recording was certainly superfluous. 1 from 2.
And in their prime. Errrr... 1 from 3. I suspect GILF (grannies I'd like to.. umm... is there a snappy acronym for Grannies I wouldn't touch with a long stick?)
So, what we had was a bunch of women aged somewhere between 40 and Methuselah (erring more on the side of Methuselah I suspect) doing a very unconvincing job of faking orgasms while rubbing themselves for the camera. And when I say unconvincing, one of them even started her fake moaning and groaning (oh yeah.. that feels so good) well before she had laid a finger (or anything else for that matter) on anything that could be described as an erogenous zone.
There were 6 scenes. All featured one woman talking direct to camera.
The first is Erika. She has an amazing body for her age, and small natural boobs, but a really nasty scar from something. Although her body is in great condition, the years have not been kind to her face - she's either spent too much time in the sun, or has had too many facelifts. We couldn't tell. Her hair is in bad shape and the streaks have been done badly. She has tacky tattoos and wears (and I'm quoting from my notes here) "dumb furry shoes". She is very busy extolling the virtues of women over 40, both at the beginning and the end - mercifully she doesn't talk in the middle of the scene, but for all that, she is faking it really badly for the camera; she moans without even touching herself (unless her arthritis is playing up, which I suppose it could be, given her age).
Verdict on the first scene? It didn't do anything for us.
The second scene is of Jewel. She wears stripper shoes, a leather bikini and a long black wig to make herself feel "naughty". She is slim, although a bit wobbly, and has nice legs. Her face is aged, but not badly; the wig is not kind to her. I think it made her look older than she is (which is saying something). I don't know where they filmed this, but the decor is really ugly behind her (she's on a lounge) and there is a lot of sound interference in this one. She has small natural breasts, but the nipple clamps didn't do much for Mrs Dave. I have to go off on a tangent here - she has the longest lips on her labia I've ever seen in porn - they have to be over an inch in length, and hang real low!!!
Jewel uses toys - there were at least 4 of them, but she calls them her "friends" and gives them names - Frank, Carl - that was creepy! She also has what could only be described as a "fucking enormous" double dong which she uses with her girl-friends. I don't know if it had a name or not - Goliath perhaps? I swear that thing was as thick as my arm, and just about as long! She had three orgasms, but I think she faked them all. She uses a butt plug, and paddles her own arse (which I thought was impressive). She has the bad porn pout, and what is worse, she NEVER SHUTS UP - she talked through the entire scene!
Verdict on the second scene? We were laughing at this, and not in a good way.
Houston was the next performer (although why you'd want to name yourself after a city which has such mediaeval porn laws is beyond me). Another bleached blonde, she had larger boobs, which we argued about. I thought they were fake, Mrs Dave wasn't sure. She has the best face of all - she's aged, but not weathered as the rest of them looked. She's wearing tacky lingerie. She's also another one who talks too much. Although she was using a really cheap, nasty-looking pink jelly dong, she was the first one to sound wet and she was the first to use her clitoris when fingering herself (I'm not sure how the previous two were supposed to have cum). Sadly, she faked her orgasm as well. Oh, and there was a close-up of her anus we could have done without - she's got a huge scar on it. We were left wondering whether she'd had a hemorrhoidectomy.
Verdict on the third scene? *shudder*
Tantra was scene 4. A self-proclaimed bisexual (in her very long introduction), she's basically an aging hippy. She's a redhead, and needs a much better haircut. Oh, and she needs a hedge trimmer as well. I haven't seen that much bush in anything produced after about 1973. It was crawling down her thighs like caterpillars. To be honest, there is so much hair it is difficult to see her pussy. She's in reasonable shape, she's a larger lass, but by that I mean that she's tall, and a more solid build, rather than fat. She has large, real boobs - they couldn't possibly be fake - they sagged too much! She also has short, real fingernails, not the false or heavily manicured nails that all the other women had. Hers was a geniune orgasm, which was nice to see.
Verdict on the fourth scene? There was some heat in the scene, but not much. Just slightly better than luke-warm.
Jerrika was scene 5. She has a body that is fantastic for her age, but she is very tanned and her face is very hard as a result. Another bleached blonde, she also has fake boobs which have sagged with age - not a good look. Her scene is of her washing in the shower. There is no voiceover, which is good, but she frowns constantly, which is bad. We watched this a while ago, and I'm referring to my notes to refresh my memory, but I haven't written anything down about her cumming. I don't remember whether she did or not (Mrs Dave says not). At the end of her scene, she smiles directly at the camera, and truly, it took 10 or 15 years off her age - she looked great in that single shot.
Verdict on the fifth scene? Mrs Dave was left puzzling about who she vaguely reminded her of (for those of you who care, the English actress Linda Robson, who was in Birds of a Feather).
Scene 6, new bird, but the voice is familiar - bloody hell, it's Jewel again. But this time she's ditched the black wig and has short white-blonde curly hair. I'll be honest, this hair style ages her even more that the wig I thought aged her badly in her first scene. She now looks like someone's grandma. She's actually the face on the cover of the disk, and I'm guessing she's in her late 50s or early 60s. Just like earlier, she never shuts up during her scene. Oh and she made some comment about her tight pussy - that was an outright lie; you could almost hide boat people in there it is so loose. She did have what looked like a real orgasm this time, so perhaps she just needed time to warm up for the camera.
Verdict on the sixth scene - thank gawd it's over!
There were a stack of previews on this DVD - at least 10, mainly girls with huge tits. I'm not going to go through them all now. To be honest, I was tired by this point, and got bored making notes.
Verdict on the entire disk? Well, we *knew* it was going to be bad, just not how bad. To be honest, if this didn't have a picture of a half-naked woman on the front, it would be one I'd hang in a tree to scare the birds away from the garden. As it is, I think it will go in the bin.
So there you go. 40 something auditions... not exactly a porn clasic. It gets a teeny little soft on from me and riotous laughter from Mrs Dave.
