Well folks. It's official. Mrs Dave gives better head than Nina Hartley. And I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
For some reason we have ended up with a bunch of "Nina's guide to whatever" movies in the to be watched pile and last night the random selection from the trusty porn-o-miser was Nina's Guide to Fellatio (or blowjobs for those who lack a classical education). Nina made a bunch of these 'educational' films back in the 90s. I seem to remember reading that she wanted to make sex-ed a little more interesting than those terrible government sex-ed films those of us living in more enlightened countries (ie: just about everyone except our American readers) were forced to sit through in school.
Anyone who has seen one of those films will know instantly what I'm talking about. Their overwhelming dullness is burned into our brains forever. For those of you living in repressive theocracies where such things are not allowed, let me explain - these films were specifically designed to make what is a very interesting subject as dull as possible. The basic format was a guy in a white lab coat, standing at a lectern, giving a very dull lecture, while pointing at parts of the human anatomy on a large poster and showing slides of genitalia suffering from various nasty diseases. All designed to turn young people off sex for as long as possible.
Now, I'm not sure whether this was one of Nina's first efforts, or whether the whole series is like this but somehow she really didn't manage to improve much on the originals.
This was dull. Not quite government sex-ed dull, but nonetheless it scored pretty high on the dull-o-meter. Even the format was the same as those old films. Nina, standing at a lectern (OK, I grant you, not wearing a white lab coat, but a bright purple, semi see-through, g-string leotard and big 80's hair), giving a dull lecture while pointing at bits of the human anatomy on a large poster and showing slides (our younger readers may need some help here - slides are what presenters used to put people to sleep before we invented PowerPoint) of penises. Thankfully free of nasty diseases.
She then proceeded to demonstrate her technique on some guy in what would have to be one of the dullest on-screen blowjobs ever. Her advice could be summed up as - lots of moisture and use your hands as well. Really advanced stuff and requiring considerably less than sixty odd minutes to get across. She then proceeded to have what seemed to be a completely unrelated sex scene with some other guy, or the same guy with different hair. It was hard to tell.
I suppose that if you had just been presented with your first cock and were looking at it hanging in front of your face, thinking "what the heck do I do with this?" then this film may be of some use to you. I suspect though that if you are looking up porn review websites, you are somewhat beyond that stage in which case, my advice is to watch something else instead.
I must confess that our experience was not helped by the fact that our copy of the film was badly scratched and was skipping so much that it was almost unwatchable. We got it second hand and I don't know whether its an ex-rental or whether the previopus owner tried to put it out of its misery with a screwdriver. From what we saw though, even a pristine copy wouldn't have made this any better.
The only high point of the night was that once Nina was done, Mrs Dave said something like "Is that it? I could do better than that", to which I said "prove it". And she did. I therefore feel qualified to state that Mrs Dave does indeed give better head than Nina Hartley. And I am the luckiest guy in the world.
