Time for a long-overdue review now. Ages ago (and I do really mean ages) we watched Pirates, which was released in 2006 by Digital Playground and Adam & Eve, and directed by Joone. It features a cast of thousands, lots of the big names in porn at the moment, and had a surprisingly big budget, features really good costuming and Dolby sound no less. It's long, at a shade over 2 hours, and a bit of an epic, but worth watching. The movie is, on the whole, really well done and has a great soundtrack.
In a nutshell, Spanish newlyweds Isabella and Manuel (Carmen Luvana and Kris Slater) find that their ship is hijacked by the blood-thirsty pirate, Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) featuring, as part of his costume, a really gross milky, blue eye, supposedly an old injury, and his first mate, Serena (Janine). Victor takes Manuel as his prisoner, Isabella gets chucked overboard for the sharks and is rescued by the dim-witted pirate hunter, Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone), and his loyal (and far more intelligent) commander, Jules (Jesse Jane). They set out to rescue Manuel and hunt down Stagnetti, having lots of adventures along the way.
The first sex scene features Carmen Luvana and Kris Slater, consummating their marriage. She being a shy, Catholic virgin has to undress behind a screen but I have to say that, for an "inexperienced virgin" she certainly knew how to suck a cock. This is a very romantic scene and doesn't stretch any boundaries. There is nice chemistry between the two of them and the whole thing has a good feel to it. It was nice "couples" sex. The story and the script have been done really well, with some really nice dialogue afterwards. They really sounded like newly-weds.
Captain Stagnetti and his pirates take over the ship, slaughtering half the crew in the process (lots of men without sex scenes in this movie). As an aside here, the parallels (at least in costuming) between this and the Pirates of the Caribbean series of movies are very strong. I don't know if this was done to take advantage of the Pirate craze at the time (which would make sense) or whether it was coincidence, but Tommy's character looks quite similar to Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow character in Pirates of the Caribbean. Perhaps they were both authentically piratical for the time or they were just cashing in on the pirates craze. Anyway, back to the movie. Stagnetti finds the man he is after (Manuel) and kidnaps him, returning with his crew to his ship, the Devil's Rose. He then sinks the other ship, leaving the crew and passengers to drown.
Next we meet pirate hunter Captain Edward Reynolds, of the Sea Stallion (Evan Stone) and his crew. Having been sailing for some weeks with no action, the crew are a little disheartened. Captain Reynolds tries to keep them interested by teaching them sword-play. Commander Jules (Jesse Jane) keeps them more inspired by fucking her way around the crew. The naive captain thinks that she is teaching them bible studies by the cries of "Oh god" that he hears coming from her cabin each night. Cue next sex scene. This one features Jesse Jane and Scott Nails and has a totally different feel than the previous scene. Jesse and Scott are very active, feature a number of different positions, and she deep-throats him most impressively. This is a hot scene and really well done. It ends in a facial and her deep-throating him again.
Captain Reynolds and Jules are child-hood playmates and it turns out that this is his first foray to the sea, having left behind the tobacco plantation that he was due to inherit. He struggles to inspire his crew and suffers agonies of self-doubt (although he looks undoubtedly very cool in his swanky clothes). They rescue Isabella (Carmen) and Jules insists that they get supplies and go after Stagnetti. At this point, it appears that Captain Reynolds is all hot air, and when faced with the idea of chasing a real pirate, doesn't quite want to go through with it. Jules talks him around and he agrees. He is vain and empty-headed, so it doesn't take much for her to convince him. The crew take a bit more convincing and need the offer of reward to step forward. Manuel's family it seems, are conveniently rich.
They reach Sword and Scabbard Island where they intend to resupply the ship. Wu, who is in charge of producing gunpowder for the cannons (his failure to make gunpowder that works is a running gag through the whole film), has high hopes of finding the potassium nitrate he requires (given that the sulfur he has doesn't work and just makes the gunpowder stink badly). At the same time, in a separate anchorage, Stagnetti and his crew are also on the island, looking for a certain Incan Indian who can lead them to some treasure. Serena (Janine), when given some cheek by a bar patron, does some impressive sword-work. Impressive to everyone but Dave, who pointed out that her stance was all wrong.
The dim-witted Edward ends up at a "tavern", where he is accosted by Madeleine (Devon) and Christina (Teagan Presley). They share a drink and Edward fails to figure out that he's in a brothel. They get him drunk and, wearing pirate hats (and little else), seduce him. This is a good threesome, with both girls getting attention from Evan at various times. The girls are such good friends that they even help each other out, with a fiddle here and a kiss there. Evan is in amazing physical shape, so he fucks them in some very physical positions (Devon is almost bent double at one point) and the scene ends with them both receiving a facial, while he shouts that he is the greatest pirate hunter in the world.
At the same time as Edward is meeting his lady loves, Jules enters the very same bar that Serena has just been in, and bumps into Marco (Steven St Croix), a former lover who is very bitter about the former part. She has a drink with him then gives him a parting fuck, on the floor of a room in the tavern. Within ear-shot of all the other patrons. Deep-throating must be one of Jesse Jane's specialities. Another seems to be her ridiculously big lips (the ones on her face I mean). She puts on this ridiculous pout in every scene which frankly makes her look slightly retarded. Anyway, she deep throats again, this time taking the entirety of Steven St Croix's long (and surprisingly curved) cock in her mouth, right down to his balls. I must admit, that the sight of him pushing her head down, I do find uncomfortable, but it doesn't seem to bother her. This is an incredibly active scene, lots of positions and ends well. I'm not going to spoil the ending of it for you but it's very dramatic.
Return to the brothel where Edward is farewelling his lady-loves. Another girl, Angelina (Austyn Moore) tries to muscle in on him, much to the other girls' disgust and she spills to him that Stagnetti is also on the island. He departs to round up his crew.
Cut to a mission where Stagnetti is torturing a priest to give him the location of the Indian that he seeks. We get the first inklings that Serena regrets her life of crime, but Stagnetti kills the priest with a single sword-thrust. He finds the Indian that he is after and takes him.
Unknowingly watched by Jules, Stagnetti uses the Indian to torture Manuel (who is revealed to be the true descendant of someone or another who did something or other and is thus terribly important). There are some impressive special effects used here. Jules tries to sneak off, disguised as a monk, but is caught by Serena, who wishes to make her confession to someone. Jules continues with the charade, and allows Serena to confess, but makes her escape while Serena is listing all of her sins. Stagnetti and crew announce their intention to leave the island. Edward and Jules bump into one another while returning to the Sea Stallion, but they are waylaid by Marco and his henchmen, who threaten to kill them.
In the meantime, Isabella (who had been walking around with Wu, searching for his potassium nitrate) has been captured by some pirates (not Stagnetti's pirates, different ones this time) and is used by Jenaveve Jolie to put on a show for the pirate captain's birthday. Initially she puts up a fight, but in typical porn fashion, is quickly enjoying herself. There's lots of fingering and sucking and the two girls really seem to enjoy one another's bodies. The surrounding pirates seem to enjoy the show too. In fact it sounded very much like a buck's night, with them waving their tankards in the air and shouting "cum,cum" as the two girls grind their pussies together for the finale. The pirates later apologise for abducting her, explaining that their other dancer hadn't turned up.
Meanwhile, Marco and his friend have imprisoned Edward and Jules in a cabin which, in an effort to rid the world of Jules, he sets fire to (bitter and twisted anyone?). After setting fire to the cabin, we cut to Edward and Jules trying to escape their bonds. Angelina (Austyn Moore) turns up and offers to release them, but only if Edward proves his love for her by fucking her there in the burning building. Jules tells him to do it, and he agrees. They fuck to the sound and visual effects of a burning building, made more convincing by the sweat covering his body. It's a good scene, even though there's not much chemistry between the two (although this fits with their parts in the story). Edward convinces her enough that she releases them from the burning building. They leave her tied to a tree and with a promise (never to be fulfilled) that he will return for her.
Wu finds Isabella and also the potassium nitrate that he needs for making good gunpowder, and they and the rest of the crew head off after Stagnetti's ship.
Next we have a fight between Serena and Stagnetti which results in him fucking her. This starts off dark, but there's some really good action in this scene, and they work well together. At this point, I have to say that the sex scenes all fit really well into the actual plot of the film. There's no "why are they fucking now" in it, it all has its place. This is a short scene, but the intensity to it makes it appropriately so. They end with their dispute on hold, rather than settled.
Isabella confesses to Jules that she's been unfaithful to her husband and tells her about fucking Jenaveve Jolie. They discuss the matter and Jules admits that she also likes some girl-girl action. Isabella moves on Jules and some rough play ensues. I'm not a fan of slapping, spitting and abusive talk, so this scene did less for me than it might have done otherwise. They are very active and both really seem to enjoy each other's bodies. There's plenty of sucking, kissing and fingering and ends with another grinding session. Dave seemed to really enjoy the scene, but it just wasn't my cup of tea.
Stagnetti and his crew sail to Calaveras Island, which is surrounded by wrecked ships that have failed to obtain the treasure that Stagnetti seeks. Edward and crew also sail there shortly afterwards and land on the opposite side of the island to try to capture Stagnetti. As an aside, there's quite a bit of humour in this production and the scene where Edward does some topiary work is one of them.
The special effects are well done again with Stagnetti using Manuel's unwilling body to locate a magical sceptre which he believes will give him unlimited power. Edward and crew appear and take Serena hostage. Stagnetti decamps with the sceptre, leaving Serena and Manuel to Edward and unleashing a horde of skeletons with swords to fight them. They fight (with some good special effects) and manage to escape. They get back to their ship and prepare to fight Stagnetti. He is doing the same and a cannon battle ensues (just as well Wu has the gunpowder mix right now). This is the only part where the CGI was not well done. There were some parts that just didn't look right. They fight and the Sea Stallion is victorious, sinking the Devil's Rose in the process.
Isabella confesses to Manuel that she has been unfaithful to him by screwing two women. He gets turned on by her confession and they fuck. It is much hotter this time, with her taking more of a dominant role. It turns out to be a fairly frantic fuck, as you would expect from newly-weds who have been separated by adversity.
Serena, who is not exactly a prisoner on Edward's ship, confesses her regret and unhappiness to Jules. Redemption follows with a scene between the two girls. This is another good scene with plenty of fingers and tongues, and lots of incredibly athletic positions. I'm not a fan of lit candles being inserted into delicate body parts, but whatever yanks your crank (and it obviously yanked Jesse Jane's crank)! This scene is surprisingly short and looks as though it should have gone on for longer. As the final sex scene for the movie, there should have been more to it than there is.
We end with the victorious crew declaring their intentions of hunting pirates forever, and Serena joining them.
This is not just a porn movie. This is more like a mainstream, big budget movie that has sex scenes thrown in. There's plot, there's character development. There's costuming and special effects. It is really impressive, and the cast and crew have worked hard to make their characters believable. Evan Stone and Tommy Gunn are particularly good in this respect. The only bit that bugged me about it was some of the CGI, particularly in relation to the ships on the water. I know that moving water is hard to animate, so I'm not going to be too critical of it. There was a lot of care taken in the making of this movie, and it shows.
My usual complaint is appropriate here - it is a pity that there are so many fake boobs in Pirates. Jesse Jane is positively skinny (with her ribs on clear view) yet she has enormous boobs that don't move when she does. There are a couple of girls with real boobs, but they are definitely in the minority (as with most porn these days).
There are heaps of extras with this. There's commentary from Joone, Janine, Jesse Jane, Tommy Gunn and Carmen Luvana. There's another disk with trailers, photo gallery, bios for some of the performers and some behind the scenes featurettes. There's bloopers and a featurette of how the special effects were done. It even came with a third DVD which had the movie in high definition video for those who could use it.
Pirates is a bit more expensive than usual features, but it is well worth the money. There are a few minor problems with it, but overall Pirates is a fantastic adult movie, rather than your basic porn. Pirates gets a big recommendation from both of us.
You can buy Pirates here through Uncut DVDs in Australia.
You can buy Pirates here through Good Vibrations in the USA.
