Apologies for the lack of review last week, the flu knocked the whole family out for the entire week. Not the new-fangled swine flu, just the regular old-fangled type was enough to lay us all low. Once Mrs Dave and I were recovered sufficiently to drag ourselves off our sickbed, our first thought was for our legions of fans out there who had been forced to go a whole week without a review, we whacked a porn in the player and with tissues and throat lozenges at the ready (instead of the usual lube and sex toys) collapsed back into bed and watched it.
This week's offering - Hannah Goes To Hell is a fairly new production (2006) from Sin City. It stars Hannah Harper, who's acting abilities obviously don't extend to being able to remember that she is supposed to answer to a different name during filming. Her talents also don't extend to picking a good cosmetic surgeon because she had, without a doubt, one of the worst boob jobs I have ever seen. All scars and strange puckers when she moves. Girl, if those things are still under warranty, I'd be fronting up to get my money, and old boobs, back. Other than the boobs though, she's fairly attractive and the English accent makes a nice change.
Hannah is a good girl. Apart from a shagging her best friend's husband that is. Our first scene is Hannah trying to end the relationship and being talked into continuing by Paul (best friend's hubby, played by Van Damage). After some very well done sex, best friend Sharon (played by Alicia Angel) arrives home early to tell hubby that she is pregnant and discovers Hannah licking up his cum. That's a pretty difficult thing to explain away. Distraught, Sharon confronts Hannah with a gun. Sound of a gunshot. Fade to black and Hannah wakes up... In Hell.
Fairly standard plot so far, except that after wandering down some passages for a while we fade back to white and there is Hannah shagging two guys - a father and son. This is a rough and somewhat creepy scene. The father and son are as sleazy and unpleasant as you could possibly imagine. The Father is played by a very saggy-arsed Hershel Savage. Time has not been kind to Mr Savage. Or not to his arse at any rate. It looked like he had four buttocks. Anyway, after what seemed like hours of rough DP sex (the scenes in this film are long) the scene ends and Hannah wakes up back in Hell again. Confusing? You bet.
This time she is face to face with the Devil himself (Lee Stone), telling him that she really isn't that bad and should be let go. I have to say that the demonic make-up in this film is really well done. Lee Stone looks fantastic with prosthetic horns and teeth and a full-body paint job. He introduces her to her future room-mates in Hell - three other evil sluts and the scene promptly becomes a 4-way lesbian anal-fest. A long 4-way lesbian anal-fest. Did I mention that the scenes in this film are long? That done, the Devil has a go, and another long anal scene ensues. The Devil, by the way, has the weirdest bend in his dick I have ever seen. It bends down at nearly right angles. He also appears to have something that looks suspiciously like a teddy bear tattooed on his groin which kind of spoils the whole devil image. While banging away he informs our Hannah that her memory of events is somewhat one-sided. He reveals the truth - it was she who pushed her best friend's hubby into continuing the relationship and when discovered, Hannah wasn't shot by Sharon, Sharon shot herself instead. Hannah then went on a drug- and alcohol-fueled trip to her other lover's house where he and his son (ahh, now that scene makes sense) give her more booze and drugs, fuck her and send her on her way. On the way home she crashed the car and ended up... in Hell. Does she belong there? You bet she does.
Now in another twist, Sharon appears (she's in Hell because she killed herself) and Hannah is forced to make amends, in true porn style, by licking her puss. Some more extremely well made up demons and strange rock dudes (like made of rocks, not guys with mullets and guitars) appear and a gang bang ensures (if Hell were all gang bangs, why would anyone not want to be there?). A couple of generic blonde bimbos appear at some stage too. I have no idea why there are there except to provide some more holes. It's a long gang bang. Very, very long. Energetic, but very long.
Hannah is left condemned to spend forever pleasuring herself while never reaching a climax (see it isn't all gang bangs after all). At least I think that's what she was condemned to - they went a little heavy on the voice distortion for Mr Devil so he was pretty hard to understand.
This had all the makings of a good movie. An interesting plot, with some unexpected twists. Good performers. Good musical score. Excellent make-up. The green devil dude in the gang bang was fantastic. It just doesn't quite deliver. To me, the scenes were just too damn long to hold our interest. They were also pretty rough - lots of choking on dick (which I hate with a passion, I do not need gagging sounds during sex, thank you very much) and every scene was almost entirely anal. Most of the pussies seemed to go completely untouched. It's a wonder, with all that arse-fucking going on, that best friend Sharon managed to become pregnant at all. Lots of arse-to-mouth (which is just plain nasty) and of course the obligatory facials. I know it's Hell and she's supposed to be being punished but I'm just not into that sort of thing. Neither is Mrs Dave, so that coupled with the length of the scenes (5 scenes in two hours forty, so upwards of 30 minutes each) left us feeling a bit let down.
Still if you are into the rougher stuff, this would be well worth a look.
