Have you heard of the new trend of vajazzling? Basically it involves sticking sparkly crystals on a freshly waxed pubic area. It seemed to take off after Jennifer Love-Hewitt went on the George Lopez show and talked about how she'd "vajazzled her va-jay-jay" (an expression which I cannot bear, by the way). Anyway, the trend started and about a month ago, Dave sent me a link to an article about a salon in New York that does it and the costs involved (massive...like 4 figure massive.. but they do claim to use genuine hand cut Swarovski crystals). The author of the article then told of her own experiences with a cheaper option.
I read the article, laughed heartily, then forgot all about it. That is until last week. You see, last week I placed an order for a variety of products (to provide review fodder) and I spent enough to qualify for some free gifts. Now the majority of these were tat - penis ice trays, fake nipples, feather ticklers, Bucks' or Hens' night games - you get the drift. I went through the list thinking that I wouldn't bother selecting anything. Then I found some fake tattoos that weren't too bad, so I was inspired enough to keep going. Then I found a different set of fake tattoos, henna this time, that I thought looked OK. "Ah well", I thought, "if nothing else, I'll remove the packaging and give them to the kids to use. They love putting fake tattoos on". I continued through the list (I have to admit, it was extensive). Then I found "Sexy Crystal Body Sparkles". "What the heck?" I thought, "let's get a bit of sparkle going." So there were my free gifts chosen, order completed and I just had to sit back and wait for it to turn up.
My order duly arrived (remarkably quickly) and I opened it up. Then I decided to give Dave a surprise (or shock) and decorate myself. I put three of the henna tattoos on. Then I decided to sparkle my bits. These claim to be "Premier Quality Austrian Crystals" and use the Swarovski logo on the packet. As these come from a US-based company, I can only assume that they are genuine and that Swarovski makes a range of stick-on crystals that get sold under license. I suspect they aren't hand-cut though.
The packet has four sheets of crystals, each one containing 20 crystals, so 80 in the pack. They don't come in pre-designed patterns, they're just a block of crystals, so you need to make your own design with these. The instructions say to apply the full design at one time, so I worked out a basic heart shape and cut it out. It was easy enough to apply, although putting it on from an up-side down perspective and looking in the mirror as well (in reverse) meant that my placement was a little bit off.
Then I got dressed and waited until evening. When we were in bed that night, Dave noticed that I had a tattoo. Then he noticed another and asked what else I'd been up to. When my answer was a wicked chuckle, he got interested and made a quip about vajazzling. I told him that he'd have to wait and find out. Well there was no going back at that point and my secret was revealed. He thought it was very cute and we giggled about it.
My biggest problem now is not getting spotted. As any parent will know, you give up the right to privacy when you have kids. The bathroom was invaded as I got out of the shower and one of the tattoos got spotted the day after I did it - "Look! Mum's got a tattoo!". I don't want to have to explain sparkles "down there". That's an education that they don't need yet.
In spite of what you might imagine, having a bunch of crystals glued to your nether regions isn't uncomfortable in any way. Once on, they don't get in the way at all and I have to admit, I forget they are there. So much so that I have inadvertently washed them more roughly than the packaging advises when in the shower. Treated gently, they are supposed to last for several days. I applied these 4 days ago, and only lost two this morning when I was a bit rough with them. I think that's pretty impressive, particularly as the henna tattoos only lasted for 48 hours. I'll have to work out how to come up with other designs so I can use them again. Maybe a box to decorate my box...
Update: 7 days in and they are still there. I'm pretty chuffed.
