Us Reviewing Things

Something a bit different for you guys this week. It goes by the name of Rocket Balm and it's supposed to be rubbed into one's groinal area to give extra sensation. It's sold as an "Orgasm booster". We don't often (read ever) buy this sort of product after a few bad experiences with some a few years ago. This one turned up as a free sample with another order and has been sitting in the bedroom unopened (and regarded with deep suspicion) ever since. Last night I plucked up some courage and checked the ingredients list. To my great surprise, there was really nothing un-natural in this. The base is mostly Shea Butter with almond oil and beeswax. The active ingredients are menthol, peppermint, wild oat and ginseng. It actually sounded not too bad. Rocket Balm is designed for application to the male member ("rocket", get it?) and there is a sister product in the range called Flower Balm for the ladies. We don't have any Flower Balm, but from the website the ingredients appear to be much the same (citrus instead of wild oat appears to be the only difference).

The menthol and peppermint did cause some concern though. We have had some less than stellar experiences with menthol before. I don't know whether it is available anywhere else, but here in Australia we have a thing called Ice Gel. It's like a liniment that you rub on sore muscles, except that instead of the usual hot sensation they give you, Ice Gel (as the name implies) gives a cold sensation instead. I have no idea whether it works but Mrs Dave swears by the stuff. She occasionally suffers from a dodgy knee so on occasion she comes to bed with her leg covered in the stuff. Ice Gel has another remarkable property - as it gets warm, it tends to spread so unless you are really, REALLY careful where you put it, it can end up where you really don't want it. You can see where this is going can't you? Yep. In the heat of passion, the Ice Gel has (on more than one occasion) migrated up the leg and into the groin. The effect is much the same as setting fire to your groin then sticking the blazing member in the freezer. There have also been occasions where one or other of us has been a little too eager to give oral pleasure to the other after brushing our teeth, necessitating an abrupt halt to proceedings to wash the toothpaste residue off our minty fresh, and somewhat uncomfortable, groins.

I figured that any product actually designed for application to the groin would have to have a slightly more subtle composition than toothpaste or Ice Gel. Ice Gel is designed to be really strong, it's supposed to cure sore muscles so it has to pack a bit of a punch, and toothpaste apparently has to be minty enough to lift the top of your head off, or else people don't think it's cleaning their teeth properly. I resolved to give this a try. It was, nevertheless, with some trepidation that I let Mrs Dave scoop out the "small amount" specified on the tin and rub it into my junk.

I have to say, it felt pretty good going on. The oils, butters and waxes made a pretty good hand-job lube. It was feeling pretty good. A slight sensation of minty coolth along the shaft nicely contrasting with the warmth of Mrs Dave's hand. I was getting into it. Then it started. As all lubes do during a hand-job, the up and down motion caused a build up of balm at the tip and at the base. The build up at the base them melted and slowly started to cover my testicles. You know how I said that anything designed for application to the groin would have to have a subtle formulation? I was wrong. Oh boy was I wrong. Imagine crunching up a whole mouthful of really strong mints then breathing in. You know that really intense minty sensation. Now imagine that in your groin. It was intense. Really intense. So intense in fact that I was finding it difficult to concentrate on the hand-job. At this point Mrs Dave saw the look on my face (a mixture of shock, astonishment and horror) and promptly burst out laughing.

Have you any idea how difficult it is so finish a hand-job with a minty fresh groin and both laughing hysterically? No. I didn't think so. Let's just say it took quite a while to finish the job, by which time the minty freshness in my groin had just about blotted out all other sensations. Yes. It certainly increases sensation. But it does so to the point where you can't feel anything else. It also takes ages to wash off. This is not good. By the time it had been there for a while, I really wanted the extra sensation to stop NOW, not after 5 minutes scrubbing with soap and water.

This one isn't getting a second trial and Mrs Dave has vetoed any purchase of Flower Balm to see what it does to her. Some people might like the sensation. I don't. I find it overpowering and distracting. There is a test you could do to see if this might appeal to you - go out and buy a large tube of the mintiest toothpaste you can find. Something with the words "Mega" or "Ultra" in the name. Liberally coat your groin with it and wait a few minutes. If it feels good, Rocket (or Flower) Balm may be for you. If not, best give it a miss.