Frequent visitors to the USA will be familiar with the government-sanctioned sexual assault that masquerades as a post-9/11 security check. One guy I work with, thanks to his nationality (Indonesian), name (Muslim-sounding), and the fact that he travels occasionally to the Middle East for work, has to allow an extra 4 hours at every airport in the US for his "completely random" additional security check. When I saw that Evan Stone, one of the funniest guys in porn, had written a porn satire of the TSA, I thought "Wow! Comedy. porn and cutting edge political satire all in one!"
It certainly looked promising. Written and directed by Evan. With Randy Spears (the other funniest guy in porn) and a bunch of other people. The pre-credit opening is great - Evan in full TSA uniform monologues to the camera "...weary travellers queuing up to have their civil liberties violated and the constitution torn up on their faces...". Then the credits rolled, the film started and we quickly remembered why most comedians don't write their own material. Most funny guys are good at the delivery but have a team of writers to craft the jokes. When they write their own material they can fall a bit flat. Evan is no exception.
After some horribly stilted dialogue we suddenly cut to Evan as Agent Stone (and last seen by us in Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to the G-Spot and The Human Sexipede plus lots of others) banging Diamond Kitty (dressed as a flight attendant) in a disabled toilet. This was a long scene and she spent most of it choking on his cock. I mean really choking. She sounded like she was about to throw up. I know this is "the thing" in porn now. Why? Where did anyone get the idea that vomit=sexy? Did they hold a focus group where 9 out of 10 participants said something like "Yeah, I love it when a girl spews on my dick". Come on porn directors. WTF? And clearly the message about a trend towards natural boobs hadn't made it through yet to the Hustler girls (this was released by Hustler) because she had a boob job so bad, so horribly bulging and puckered, that from some angles it looked like she had 4 tits.
Anyway, after 30 minutes of throwing-up noises, and some more horrible dialogue, the agents start picking out good looking women from the line for their "random" check. First up one of the female agents, Agent Legs (Loni Evans) "checks" another chick (Briana Banks). We got 30 minutes of average lesbian sex by two women with fake boobs and who would not shut up. Girls, you are not giving commentary for the visually impaired. You are not calling a football game. I have eyes. I can see what is going on. I do not need your running commentary. Normal people don't do that during sex. Just shut the fuck up and fuck already.
Next "random" check was Randy as Agent Smith (and last seen by us in The Craving and The Masseuse plus lots of others) and Tegan Summers. Ho hum we thought as she lunged towards his cock, mouth open. But what's this? A blow job with no choking? Can it be? Then sex with no unnecessary talking or slapping or anything else. Sex where they both looked like they were having a really good time. Nice natural boobs (though a few pubes would have been nice). This was actually a really nice scene. Even if she was wearing what looked like builders' fluorescent yellow high-visibly socks (complete with rings of reflective tape) for some reason. And the office set they used was exactly the same as the last scene. Yes a good scene! But it was over almost before it started. Just 10 minutes. Why make us sit through two 30 minute crap scenes only to cut the one good scene so short? I dunno.
Anyway, another random check in the same office. Back to fake boobs and gagging (Samantha Saint and Bill Bailey). Then some more terrible dialogue and the other female agent, Agent Hot Stuff (Amia Miley, aka Amia Moretti), the one who is supposed to be all conscientious and proper, gets pissed off, picks a guy out of the line (Jack Lawrence) and fucks him on a trestle table in an OK, but not spectacular scene.
So there you are. One decent scene (very short), two crap scenes and one OK. And a very odd closing scene with Ron Jeremy providing a cameo. Plus Evan revealing that he is a much better performer than writer or director. You can do much better than this.
If, despite all this, you still want to see TSA: Your Ass Is In Our Hands, you can purchase it here through Uncut DVDs in Australia.